Author Topic: JOKES  (Read 3997 times)

Anonymous

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JOKES
« on: October 17, 2003, 05:24:09 PM »
joke,
Man and his woman was laying in bed so the man told the woman, when he dies he wants to be buried with all his money, so he can take it to after life. so the woman bieng a christian woman she gave him her word.
so the man dies.
at the funeral, right before the undertaker closes the casket, the wife yell wait a munite, so she walks to the casket and put a brown box inside.
when she return to her seat her friend says \" !i know you are not creazy to put all that money in there with your husband\"
wife says, i made my husband a promise and am a woman of christian faith, i kept my promise.
her friend says, you put all that money in the casket with him then, wife yes, i wrote him a check, if can cash it he can spend it.
NEVER UNDER ESTIMATE KNOWLEDGE OF A WOMAN

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julius:
JOKE,
3 weman went out to play golf, one of them hit the ball so hard, and the ball went in the bushes. while she was lookiing for it she saw a bottle with a frog inside it, so when she opened the bottle, the frog turn to a genie, and granted her 3 wishes. the Genie said to her but everything you ask for your husband will get 10 times more she say ok.
her first wish was to be the most beautiful woman in the world,
G: you know your husband get 10x more
W: oh ya them am gonna be married to the most handsome man in the world.
G: make ur second wish
W: i wanna be the richest woman in the world,
G you your husband gets 10x more
W: yes, then am married to the richest man in the world.
G: ok i got to go, ur last wish.
W: i wanna have a miled heart attack,
G: say you know ur husband get 10X more  

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julius:
JOKE POUND
A LITTLE GIRL WAS TALKING TO HER TEACHER ABOUT WHALS, THE TEACHER SAID IT WAS PHISICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR A WHALE TO SWALLOW A HUMAN BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH IS A VERY LARGE MAMMAL, ITS THROATH IS VERY SMALL. THE LITTLE GIRL STATED THAT JOANH WAS SWALLOWED BY A WHALE.IRITATED, THE TEACHER REITERATED THAT A WHALE CANNOT SWALLOW A HUMAN,
THAT IT WAS PHYSICALLY
IMPOSSIBLE.

THE LITTLE GIRL SAID,\"WHEN I GET TO HEAVEN I WILL ASK JONAH\"
THE TEACHER SAID, WHAT IF JONAH WENT TO HELL,
THE LITTLE GIRLS REPLIED, \"THEN YOU ASK HIM\"  

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julius:
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
>make
> > the matter clearer, she said, \"Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
>blood, as
> > you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.\" \"Yes,\"
>the class
> > said. \"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
>position
> > the blood doesn\'t run into my feet?\" A little fellow shouted, \"Cause
>your feet
> > ain\'t empty.\"
> >  

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julius:
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
>at the
> > kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands
>of white
> > hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her
>mother and
> > inquisitively asked, \"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?\" Her mother
> > replied, \"Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry
>or
> > unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.\" The little girl thought about
>this
> > revelation for a while and then said, \"Momma, how come ALL of grandma\'s
>hairs
> > are white?\"  

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
julius:
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
>school for
> > lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made
>a note,
> > and posted on the apple tray: \"Take only ONE, God is watching.\"
> >
> > Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
>large
> > pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, \"Take all
>you want.
> > God is watching the apples.\"

These jokes are all courtesy of Julius Nwosu.  Enjoy! :lol:

Susia

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JOKES
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2005, 08:03:45 AM »
Daddy, how was I born?\" Dad answered: \"Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said You\'ve Got Male!
Begin with the determination to suceed and the work is half done already.

objobj

  • Posts: 89
Mid-Life Crisis
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2005, 12:30:16 AM »
This middle-aged man was going through his mid-life crisis
so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. He
decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the
interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this
highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring
coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would
outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph, and then
to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself,
\"This is crazy, I could go to jail for this,\" so he pulled
over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, \"It
has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an
excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go.\"

So the man told the officer, \"Last night my wife ran off
with a patrolman and when I saw you chasing me I thought you
were trying to bring her back.\"

The officer looked at the man and said, \"Have a nice day.\"
I am too Blessed to be Stressed

okey

  • Posts: 220
JOKES
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2005, 04:24:21 AM »
Quote from: \"Susia\"
Daddy, how was I born?\" Dad answered: \"Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said You\'ve Got Male!


That was GOOD!
===
Quality is never an accident; It is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, Intelligent direction and skillful execution;
It represents the wise choice of many alternatives

uapo4

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JOKES
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2005, 09:34:49 PM »
:mrgreen: :lol:
Obj and Susia encore!!!! Those are very funny. :D
"Incline Thy ear, O Lord, and hear me: for I am needy and poor" -- Psalm lxxxv. 1

Susia

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JOKES
« Reply #5 on: June 11, 2005, 03:29:59 AM »
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote \"Revelation 3:20\" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, \"Genesis 3:10.\"  Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins \"Behold, I stand at the door and knock.\" Genesis 3:10 reads, \"I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.\"
Begin with the determination to suceed and the work is half done already.

Susia

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JOKES
« Reply #6 on: June 11, 2005, 04:11:04 AM »
On a radio phone-in program, there was this guy who presented his problem thus:


 Caller: There\'s this girl I\'ve known for about 10 months now whom I really really like. I\'ve sent her flowers, called her as many times as possible in a day, everyday, told her sweet things most of it how I felt about her which was entirely true, tried everything to make her give me some attention but she just ignored me. I\'ve moved on since then, though still single. Then about 4 months ago, I got a new job bought a car and moved into a new apartment (my own apartment). I guess she got word of this because right now she wouldn\'t let me rest. She\'s filling my box with mails, my phone with sms messages and calls me like her father owns the network. Please advice me as I don\'t know what to do.


This was the radio presenter\'s reply.


Presenter: This is what you should do: When you get home on a Friday night, call her up to let her know you\'ll be coming to her place. Then you rest a while. When you feel you\'ve had enough rest then take a bath. Put on some neat clothes. Get a bottle of your best perfume. Then drive over to her place. When you see her, pull her close and give her a very warm embrace. Softly whisper in her ears \"Na God go punish you!\" Then you take your leave.
Begin with the determination to suceed and the work is half done already.

objobj

  • Posts: 89
JOKES
« Reply #7 on: June 19, 2005, 10:02:10 PM »
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With
great statement he said, \"If I had all the beer in the
world, I\'d take it and pour it into the river.\"

With even greater emphasis he said, \"And if I had all the
wine in the world, I\'d take it and pour it into the river!\"

And then finally, he said, \"And if I had all the whiskey in
the world, I\'d take it and pour it into the river!\"

Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a
smile, \"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: \'Shall
We Gather at the River.\'\"
I am too Blessed to be Stressed

uapo4

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JOKES
« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2005, 04:21:47 AM »
:lol:  :lol:  :lol:
...hopefully, they don\'t drown after getting drunk :twisted:  Thanks for the jokes :D
"Incline Thy ear, O Lord, and hear me: for I am needy and poor" -- Psalm lxxxv. 1

objobj

  • Posts: 89
JOKES
« Reply #9 on: June 27, 2005, 08:46:14 AM »
Note: It\'s highly likely that the numbers below are
off. Please don\'t let that kill the humor of this classic!

For a couple years I\'ve been blaming it on lack of sleep,
too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood,
but now I found out the real reason:

I\'m tired because I\'m overworked.

Here\'s why:

The population of the USA is about 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces.

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state
and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do all the work.

You and me, and you\'re sitting on your rear, at your
computer, reading jokes!
I am too Blessed to be Stressed

uapo4

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JOKES
« Reply #10 on: June 27, 2005, 08:51:15 PM »
LOL :lol: To think that I was here reading this to see the aim of the joke, only to figure it was all about me killing time reading jokes is just funny :twisted: . Who will be the next victim? :D
"Incline Thy ear, O Lord, and hear me: for I am needy and poor" -- Psalm lxxxv. 1