GSSO Forum
Government Secondary School Owerri Online Forum => Religion & Morality => Topic started by: Prince on January 05, 2005, 03:08:16 AM
-
MARRIAGE: The Way It Ought To Be.
Part 1- Overview
I?ve been around this site and a few others like it. Almost always the issue of marriage comes up. You can be certain that there is no lack of opinion or advise. Upon all the advices, counsel, and suggestions that deluge these sites, only about two encourage that prayers be said over the matter. All others were racking their brains trying to pull answers from their human wisdom and intelligence. Not one suggested searching the scriptures irrespective of the fact that all the answers to our problems are found in the book.
I said it once and I?ll say it again. Our wisdom is worthless when it comes to resolving the things of God. The apostle Paul writes, ?For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness? (1Cor 3:19). The reason we have all the marital problems among others is our propensity to rely on our wisdom and intelligence. All we had to do is do things God?s way, and we?d be fine. But to do things God?s way, all we have to do is read the instructions and follow the directions. Ironically, the few who attempt to read the instructions wind up doing what feels good to then.
Marriage is like buying a new car. Your initial responsibility is finding a car that fits your taste and purpose. In other words, find the color, size, and design you desire. Whether or not you get long, dependable service from your car is totally dependent on how religiously you follow the instructions in the owner?s manual. So it is with marriage. Once the exterior is pleasing to you, how happy and durable your marriage is depends on how well you follow the instructions in the owner?s manual, the bible. Do not attempt to examine the interior when you are incapable of reading human minds for ?The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?? See Jeremiah 17:9. A couple learning and adhering to the recommendations of this article will have no need to case out a partner?s inside. And all subsequent problems will be resolved with the greatest of ease.
Once that is gotten out of the way, the real work begins. You and your potential spouse must be equally yoked. You must be willing, eager, and ready to walk as one. Both of you must be willing to learn scriptural things, and once new knowledge is acquired, you must not hesitate to live by it. James 1:22 admonishes, ?But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.? This is where most marriages experience a great resistance. Partners who hold on to doctrines, teachings, ideas, or cultures simply because those are all they have known. You have to be able to switch over as soon as bible truth is learned and investigated for their validity, accuracy, and authenticity. If both partners follow God?s instructions, the matter of what tribe, race, or nationality one is married into fades away and ceases to be a concern.
Part 2 will deal with Love and its various forms. Later folks.
-
MARRIAGE: The Way It Ought To Be.
Part 2- Love, The Key Ingredient
Essentially, the key ingredient upon which a blissful union is built is love. Love: short and simple to the eye, but complex and far reaching to the mind. You?ll be surprised at what can be squeezed out of this small word. There are four kinds of love all of which must be stirred into the mix if marriage is to be the wonderfully blissful union it?s meant to be and which everyone craves. These are: Agape, Philia, Eros, and Storge. At the least, the first three must be present for the true love necessary for a blissful union.
It?s common knowledge that while the Old Testament was written in Hebrew, the New Testament was written in Greek. The English translations are fund of lumping word, such as God or hell, together even though the original texts had very distinctly different vocabulary for them. Well, love is one such word. As I said, the New Testament was written in Greek, Koine Greek. Koine means common, as in popular. Koine Greek would be akin to modern day street language. It was the ?most precise instrument for the conveyance of human thought that the world has ever known.? Unfortunately, Agape, Philia, Eros, and Storge, all Greek words, with clearly distinct meanings and implications were translated as love. That?s when snd how the confusion set in.
Agape: Of the four, the agape love is the noblest. The kind of love Matth 5:44 instructs us to show all men, even our enemies. Sometimes needlessly rendered charity, agape is selfless and often times requires some measure of sacrifice: physically, materially, mentally, and almost always tasks self-control and humility. The apostle Paul describes agape very exhaustively in his 1Cor 13 epistle. This is the kind of love Jesus exhibited and taught. The ultimate demonstration of agape comes through when The Father, for the love of humanity, gave up his most prized possession, his only begotten son, his only creation ever. ?For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life? (John 3:16). That?s heavy, isn?t it?
Similarly, when the Word (Jesus) volunteered to come down from heaven that he may die for us, it can only be the epitome of agape. ?Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends,? declares Jesus (John 15:13). It?s agape in motion when soldiers sacrifice their lives in defense of their country. As you read this, remember, ??be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves? (James 1:22).
Philia: This is the kind of love that?s made manifest in genuine affection. Some call it the heart love. You are always delighted at each other?s company. From this, Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love, is derived. Jesus had a few friends on philia love. John was love (John 20:2; 21:20). Lazarus also enjoyed this kind of love and friendship (John 11:11). Philia is the kind that craves companionship, the kind of love brought about by genuine friendship. You are never tired of each other.
Eros: This is self-explanatory. It suggests erotic love- the love laden with romantic passion. The eros love drives sexual attraction. Incidences of Eros are not detected in the New Testament. However, a healthy dose of this kind of love is served in the Old Testament, but in Hebrew. It is the most perverted and most abused where every sexual contact is dubbed lovemaking. As we shall later see, this is very, very important in the marriage business. It is for the Eros love that you are given absolute authority over your spouse?s body and vise versa.
Storge: This is the kind of loves that shows natural affection. The drive that makes one like another, although not always directed to humans, is fueled by storge. Affinity for things like flowers or pets also thrives on this kind of love. This is not often discussed given that one possessing the other three is not likely to lack in storge.
There, folks, you have love in all its full ?glory.? To succeed, marriage requires the presence of the first three, front and center. Two out of three won?t cut it. In the next segment, we will visit the things we should remember going into marriage.
-
MARRIAGE: The Way It Ought To Be
Part 3- Before You Marry: Things To Remember
Just as the Minister says, ?Marriage is a heavy responsibility. It is not to be entered into lightly or unadvisedly.? We shall explore those responsibilities and their implication. Physical maturity does not a marriage barometer make. We must commit the following to memory. In matters concerning with God, ignorance is no excuse.
(1) God?s Word Shall Not Fail: That the bible is the word of God is to be believed with all our heart and soul. There?s no halfway measure. It?s also important to know that God doesn?t fool around with words. ?So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it?(Is 55:11).
(2) Vows: I?ve heard many people say that marriage is a contract; if it doesn?t work out, just break it. Incidentally, marriage is also a vow. Contracts are not supposed to be broken. That?s why the courts enforce them. But most unfortunately, the courts don?t treat marriage as other contracts. Instead, they help married couple desecrate the sanctity, renege on their vows, and vacate their contract. To a Christian, marriage is like roach motel, you check in but you don?t check out. What do you think will happen if Christ chickened out on the Church, or the head abandoned the body?
But if for any ridiculous reason we think we can shed the contract of marriage just like that, we are in for a shock. Marriage is not only a contract; it is also a vow. The minister says, ?Dearly beloved, we?re gathered here today, in the presence of God, family, and friends to witness the union of?? Then, we proceed to exchange our wedding vows. These vows we recite before God may appear to be just a formality. To others, they are frivolous, just to add a touch of class to the ceremony. Not so fast, says the Almighty.
Deut 23:21warns ?When thou shalt vow a vow unto the LORD thy God, thou shalt not slack to pay it: for the LORD thy God will surely require it of thee; and it would be sin in thee.?
Verse 23 rams it home, ?That which is gone out of thy lips thou shalt keep and perform; even a freewill offering, according as thou hast vowed unto the LORD thy God, which thou hast promised with thy mouth.?
Eccl 5:4-5 reiterates, ?When thou vowest a vow unto God, defer not to pay it; for he hath no pleasure in fools: pay that which thou hast vowed. Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay.?
Numbers 30:1-15 delivers a little more detail. You are advised to read it. When contemplating rescinding your vow or negating your contract, you know it?s out of your hands. You just can?t do it. It?s like jumping off a cliff. Before you jump, make certain you know all there is to know about jumping. Be sure you really wanna jump. Make all the necessary provision; pad the ground below very well, because once you jump, you?re in for the long haul. You can?t un-jump.
(3) Forgiveness: Forgiveness is a critical tool in the maintenance and repair of a marriage. I just have to mention it here for the sake of emphasis and because Christ commanded it (Matth 18:21-22). This is covered under the agape umbrella as described in 1Cor 13:4-8
?4: Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5: Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6: Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7: Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 8: Charity never faileth:? This will be discussed fully later.
Once we get married, what are our respective responsibilities as marriage partners, and members of the household of God? How do we keep the flame eternal? Find out next segment, Part 4.
-
MARRIAGE: The Way It Ought To Be
Part 4- After You Marry: Things To Do
So you?re married. The guests have gone. The gifts have been opened. The honeymoon is over. You married a wonderful man. You married an incredible woman. My guess is, by now all the vows have been forgotten. You begin to rely on your wife?s good nature and mild manners. You are assured of your husband?s kindness and understanding. Before you know it, spouses take each other for granted. Thoughts begin to fly. Suspicions creep up. ?Did I make the right choice?? It may take a day. It may take a decade. The end is bound to come. If it doesn?t come, family members are forced to live in virtual hell. Then, everybody else is blamed but the culprits, children of disobedience, who think they know more than God. For what? We have only 80 to 90 years to hang around. This is not a great way to spend it. And what does that guarantee us on judgment day?
The relationship needs to be serviced to ensure longevity. There are responsibilities, which, if taken seriously and executed by both partners according to God?s design, there will be no end to your marital bliss. Off the top, these responsibilities appear lopsided, especially from the woman?s perspective. But a closer look will reveal that men have their work cut out for them. Women have it made. But more significant is the fact the hereunder following injunctions are the details of the contract you signed, the vow you made in the presence of God, family, and friends. See that you pay your vow.
Wives:
Eph 5:22 ?Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23: For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.?
That is not a misstatement. It is simple; it is straight. Yet, somehow, folks find a way to find something wrong with the word of God. ?That?s ancient history,? they say, ?Nobody does that any more.? Since nothing we humans have come up with appears to work, what?s wrong with doing it the way the Lord designed it, the way it ought to be?
To make sure that what is implied here is understood, verse 24 comes down with an analogy in effect saying, be subject to your husband the same way the church is subject to Christ. There?s no doubt as to what is intended here. Remember, there?s no limit to this. ?In everything,? it says. You don?t get to choose and pick when, where, or how you are to be submissive to you husband. It can?t be clearer.
The second half of verse 33 instructs: ?and the wife see that she reverence her husband.? Here, it becomes a duty, a responsibility. In other words, make it happen, no excuses or justification not to.
Why should a woman be this obedient, submissive, and respectful to her husband? Not to reward him. Col 13:18 tells us why. ?Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.? Not to please her husband either. They must do it because it is pleasing to the Lord. It?s part of his design.
I?ve seen women leave their husbands because they claim, ?he is not ?saved?.? Well, here?s another reason why the obedience and submission commandment. There?s a chance she may help convert him. 1Pet 3:1 ?Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives.? So a believing woman is one of God?s tools in enriching his church. Refusing such a commission is not an option.
So ladies, respect your husbands the same way the church respects Christ. When you are about to argue, think of him as your Christ. Before you take him for granted, think of Christ. When maintaining the home and rearing the children, think of Christ. What would he want his wife to do? That?s you cue. This is not my word; it is your command from the Lord, as appearing in the bible.
Hold up, ladies, hold up. Those are not my words. I?m only bringing forth the truth. So, before you string up the messenger and hang me, think for a minute. It?s not as gloomy as it seems. Wait until you see what the men are in for, when Part 4 continues next segment.
-
MARRIAGE: The Way It Ought To Be
Part 4- After You Marry: Things To Do (cont?d)
Husbands:
If you think the foregoing instructions make you the exclusive king of the castle; that it?s a Carte Blanc card to enslaving you wife and subjecting her to physical abuse, mental cruelty, and emotional distress, you?ve got another thing coming. Just remember that like your wife, you are subject to obedience to the word of God, in the strictest sense.
Contrary to common belief, your wife is not under obligation to love you, not if the bible has anything to say about it. She is commanded to be obedient and submissive to you. Her love for you is an added bonus. For your own good, you better make sure that the obedient and submissive young lady sitting across the table from you is a happy camper. What you don?t need is an obedient wife with foul thoughts. Your next glass of juice served by your obedient, bitter wife may be hemlock. Make your obedient, submissive wife a happy obedient, submissive woman, you might wanna learn to sleep with one eye open. With that said, let?s look at the following injunctions, one after the other.
Eph 5:25 ?Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.? The importance of verse 25 is the analogy there, ?as Christ also loved the church.? This is the agape love. Examine your conscience. Are you willing and ready to give your life for your wife? That?s how much Christ loves the church and that?s how much you are commanded to love your wife. Anything short of that is no good and unacceptable.
28: ?So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.?
29: ?For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:? 30: ?For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31: For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.?
These verses, 28-31, say basically the same thing, only from different angles. This coverage from various angles leaves no doubt as to the intent of the instruction. Do not try to look for any wiggle room; there?s none. Whatever you think you deserve, she deserves too. However you wish to be treated, indulge your wife equally. The next verse, 33: ?Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself? simply places an exclamation on the matter.
Col 3:19 ?Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.? This one also commands love but adds that your wife should not be the object of your anger and or hostility. So, all ye ?Kings of your castles? and ?Heads of your households? and ?men of the house,? or whatever title you desire to wear, hostile disposition towards your wives has no place under God?s scheme of things. Sometimes, being silent or mute or simply looking the other way regarding an otherwise aggravating issue may invite more contrition and ?mea culpa? from her than violent lash-out, physically or verbally.
1Pet 3:7 ?Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.? Now, this adds other very important twists to the mix. Firstly, in dealing with your wife, deal with her according to her own understanding, not yours. Do not behave condescendingly towards her. You will not bring her down so you can stand tall. Do not belittle her. This is the key. If you are married to a woman not academically endowed, or intellectually gifted, address her at her level. You will not make her feel stupid, dumb, or inadequate. If her command of the English language is not particularly overpowering, address her according to her understanding. If you expose her to your company of friends, business partners, or colleagues who make her feel little or inadequate, it might as well be you who berated her. At all cost, protect her from all embarrassment, from both within and without the home.
Secondly, husbands are commanded to respect their wives and not to withhold from them their due, as in regards, gifts, food, clothing, shelter, etc.
Why must we treat our wives as commanded? We are not to do these things just for the heck of it or because God said so. This is a cause /effect situation, a very simple one at that. We must do as we are told or our prayers will not be answered. Can it be any simpler? When we pray and don?t get an answer, we don?t have too far to look.
Another aspect of this passage that almost always escapes attention is the use of the words, \"weaker vessel.? If the adjective, weaker, is explored we will find that inferior is not intended, meant, implied, or expressed. As a matter of fact, the opposite, superior, is the intent. Let?s try delicate or fragile, as in fine china or intricate glassware. How about an egg, knowing that it is life you are holding? How do we treat delicate things? Handle with care, comes to mind. A thousand year old antique, especially painting or Persian rug are all delicate and fragile. So, why don?t we cut to the chase and call it what it is: Priceless. That is how we should deal with our wives, as a priceless commodity, to be protected at all cost, maintained accordingly, and serviced adequately.
Next stop, we shall explore the role of sex in the marriage. See you in Part 5.
-
MARRIAGE: The Way It Ought To Be
Part 5: Sex And Marriage
What about sex? Where does sex fit in, in all this? Think about it. Sex is the only thing in the whole wide world you will not share with anybody. People have shared their home, money, car, or food. People have been known to give up body parts to save a life; even if means they may not live if the body part is extracted. But when it comes to their wives or girlfriends, you better look somewhere else. There?s got to be something about this thing called sex. I believe an Owerri (Imo, Nigeria) man said it best when he said, ?This thing, having neither salt nor pepper, and yet, is the most delicious thing you ever had.? That?s food for thought.
So, what does the bible say about sex and marriage? Now, there are a few questions that need to be answered before we can proceed. Why did God create male and female? Why marriage? Why sex? Why procreation? When God created the first couple, his first commission was, ?Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it? [Gen 1:28]. So, to multiply and fill the earth was the reason behind God giving us the ability to procreate. But why go through all that just to fill the earth. He could have spoken man into existence as he did other animals. The answer is: ??God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth? (Gen 1:26). Firstly, man has to be made in the image of God, the only creation bearing that honor. Secondly, he has to be intelligent enough to rule over all the other creatures.
God performed the first marriage ceremony when he presented Adam with Eve and he called her Woman (Gen 2:22-23). Obviously, God wanted us to have sex that his design of populating the earth be accomplished. It was not his plan for children to come about outside marriage. It?s therefore safe to say that God instituted marriage for the purpose or reason of sex.
Matth 19:4-6 ?And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.?
Mark 10:6-9 ?But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.?
30-31 ?For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.?
Gen 2:32-24 ?And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.?
There you have it, he created the sexes, and for that reason, he established marriage. Therefore, marriage is there to serve sex; for only in marriage can a couple engage in sex.
As far as marriage goes, what is the responsibility of marriage partners? Paul made it clear. Refrain from sex or get your own wife. No wife/husband, no sex. ?Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband? (1Cor 7:2). Then, he goes on to advise: verses 3-5: ?Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. ?
This is self-explanatory. Each partner has control over the other?s body. None will withhold or refuse each other?s need. The only exception is underlined above. Other than that, you do not have any reason what so ever to deny your spouse sex. No headache, toothache, fever, hunger, tiredness, bad mood, depression, anger, heat, nothing is an acceptable reason not to satisfy your spouse sexually. If you have to go borrow another instrument, I don?t care what you have to do, just do it, whenever your service is required. My husband is a sex addict. My wife is a nymphomaniac. Tough luck. Too bad, just too bad. Get up and perform your duty. Sexually satisfying your spouse is duty and a responsibility. Neither pain, nor sleep, nor anger shall hinder us from our appointed rounds.
Concerning infidelity, there are several biblical passages that address the issue. My favorite can be found in Prov 5:15 and 20. If the forgoing words are heeded, it appears to me that married partners will only have just enough time to come up for air. So bro, get ?bizzy.?