Author Topic: Classic Nigerians-All Nigerian (non) Jokes Included!!!  (Read 8939 times)

CE

  • Posts: 10
Classic Nigerians-All Nigerian (non) Jokes Included!!!
« Reply #30 on: April 30, 2005, 01:36:28 AM »
Now, THAT IS JUST WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Goodness....

Honeybunnie

  • Posts: 714
Classic Nigerians-All Nigerian (non) Jokes Included!!!
« Reply #31 on: April 30, 2005, 06:41:59 PM »
Tell me About WRONG....Hell, I\'m sure the barber rushed out of the shop ASAP.

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An old couple go to the doctor for their yearly physicals. One-at-a time the doctor brings them into the examination room, starting with the husband. \"Well, Mr. Smith, you\'re in great shape for a man your age,\" says the doctor. The man replies, \"Well doc, I don\'t drink, I don\'t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me.\"

\"What do you mean?\" asks the doctor. The old man replied, \"For instance, last night in the middle of the night, I had to get up to go to the bathroom -- and the good Lord turned on the light for me so I wouldn\'t fall down.\" And when I left, the good Lord turned the light out for me?

\"That\'s nice,\" said the confused doctor. \"Please send your wife in now, please.\" The wife comes in and the doc says, \"Your husband is in great shape, but I think he is starting to have some delusions?

?What are you talking about?? says the wife.

Your husband was just telling me that he had to get up to go to the bathroom -- and the good Lord turned on the light for him so he wouldn\'t fall down.\" And when I left, the good Lord turned the light off for him.

\"Oh, She smiled,\" she said, \"I guess that explains who?s been peeing in the fridge.

Honeybunnie

  • Posts: 714
Classic Nigerians-All Nigerian (non) Jokes Included!!!
« Reply #32 on: May 01, 2005, 08:33:43 PM »
Dishing for Sunday which is usually movie night. Next time you are at a movie, be sure to try some of these..... :wink:

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Top 24 Things To Do At A Movie Theater


1. Hum the theme song of the movie out loud.

2. Make finger puppets in front of the projector.

3. When gunshots ring out in the movie yell, \"Bang! Bang! Bang!\"

4. Stick a piece of popcorn to the end of your straw and shoot it 6 rows ahead of you. (Works even better with unpopped kernels and poppables.)

5. Use a whoopee cushion (inflatable and makes loud flapping or farting sounds). Nuff said.

6. Wear a top hat.

7. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, \"It\'s snowing!\"

8. Go, \"Oooooooooooooohhhhh!\" during the kissing scenes.

9. Clap really loudly, and stand when the good guy gets killed.

10. Make a noise like you\'re passing gas and say, \"Ahh....\"

11. Start wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some popcorn for your asthma.

12. During the previews, yell out, \"Can you fast forward it?\"

13. When the bad guy is about to do something devious, yell at the top of your lungs, \"Watch out!\"

14. Laugh very loudly at all the corny and unfunny jokes.

15. If you are a guy, tell the man selling popcorn that the girl\'s bathroom is flooding and vice versa if female (men?s bathroom).
 
16. If you\'ve seen the movie before, at the climax, yell out what happens next.

17. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink. ;)

18. Wear a cape and when it\'s your turn to get popcorn yell, \"I\'m Batman! Come Robin, to the Batcave!!! Ha! Ha! Ha!\" and run away from the popcorn stand.

19. Yell, \"FIRE!!!\" and moon the people coming through the exit.

20. Gently, very softly, place a single kernel of popcorn on the head of the man in front of you.

21. Say that no one can sit next to you because your invisible friend is sitting there.

22. Scream out, \"Hey, this isn\'t Bambi!\"

23. Stare at the person sitting across the aisle from you, and then quickly look back at the screen when they look at you. Then, when they turn away, stare again.

24. See if you can get a twizller to stick to the screen.

Honeybunnie

  • Posts: 714
Classic Nigerians-All Nigerian (non) Jokes Included!!!
« Reply #33 on: May 02, 2005, 07:20:17 PM »
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. \"What\'s up?\" he asks. \"I\'m having a heart attack,\" cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he\'s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, \"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted\'s hiding in your closet and he\'s got no clothes on!\" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. \"You bastard!!!\" says the husband. \"My wife\'s having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?\"

 :?  :?

Honeybunnie

  • Posts: 714
Classic Nigerians-All Nigerian (non) Jokes Included!!!
« Reply #34 on: May 03, 2005, 10:16:24 PM »
How Dumb!!!!!!!
****************************************************************

Henry was placed in front of the firing squad, and just before the order to shoot was given, he yelled out, \"EARTHQUAKE!\"  Everyone panicked and in the confusion Henry jumped over the wall and escaped.

Charlie was next, and while the squad reassemled, he pondered what Henry had done. Before they could shoot, he shouted, \"TORNADO!\" Again the squad scattered and Charlie slipped away to safety.

Last in line was George. He thought, I see the pattern here. Just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall. As the firing squad raised their rifles and took aim, George grinned smugly and yelled, \"FIRE!\"[/color]

fresco

  • Posts: 334
Classic Nigerians-All Nigerian (non) Jokes Included!!!
« Reply #35 on: May 04, 2005, 09:00:28 AM »
HAHahahahahahhahahah........ stupidity

Honeybunnie

  • Posts: 714
Classic Nigerians-All Nigerian (non) Jokes Included!!!
« Reply #36 on: May 05, 2005, 03:51:07 AM »
A man was once saw a woman and her children who could not find something to eat, eating grass along the roadside. The man stopped and aked why they were eating grass. He urged them to enter his car so they could go to his house. The woman and her children happily entered the car.

On the way to the man\'s house, the woman thanked the kind man for helping them. And the man replied, \"You are welcome. You will get more than enough to eat in my house, the grass in my the compund is at least six feet tall\".

Honeybunnie

  • Posts: 714
20 Ways To Keep Your Insanity
« Reply #37 on: May 05, 2005, 07:22:23 PM »
20 Ways To Keep Your Insanity
*************************************************************

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don\'t disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it \"in\".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your cheques, write \"for sexual favors.\"

7. Finish all your sentences with \"in accordance with the prophecy.\"

8. Don\'t use any punctuation marks.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is \"to go.\"

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don\'t rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can\'t attend their party because you\'re not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, \"Rock Hard Kim\".

17. When money comes out of the ATM, scream, \"I won! I won! Third time this week!!!\"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot yelling, \"run for your lives, they\'re loose!\"

19. Tell your children over dinner, \"due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.\"

20. Take a toilet seat to a public park and sit on it while reading the paper.

Honeybunnie

  • Posts: 714
WHERE IS GOD?
« Reply #38 on: May 08, 2005, 06:59:07 PM »
A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved.

The boys\' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.
So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, \"Where is God?\" The boy\'s mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, \"Where is God!!?\" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.

The elder raised his voice and bellowed, \"WHERE IS GOD!?\" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, \"What happened?\"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, \"We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!\"

Honeybunnie

  • Posts: 714
Cars Given in Heaven
« Reply #39 on: May 09, 2005, 03:53:09 PM »
Three men died and stood in front of God God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife he admitted to two affairs during his marriage God gave him a compact car (Deawoo Tico) to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only an affair and was given a mid size car (Toyota Corolla)

The Third was asked the same question and said he had been faithful to his wife till the day hedied.God praised him and gave him a big luxury car A week later the three men met in a parking lot.The man driving the luxury car began to cry! \"what\'s the matter?\" \" I just passed my wife and she was riding a bike!\'

Honeybunnie

  • Posts: 714
39 Things You\'d Love To Say Out Loud At Work
« Reply #40 on: May 10, 2005, 11:43:03 PM »
1. I can see your point, but I still think you\'re full of sh**.

2. I don\'t know what your problem is, but I\'ll bet it\'s hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you\'ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I\'m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I\'ll try being nicer if you\'ll try being smarter.

7. I\'m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message

8. I don\'t work here I\'m a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can\'t understand a word you\'re saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of myself, when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don\'t give a damn.

14. I\'m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We\'re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn\'t mean you\'re an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I\'m not being rude. You\'re just insignificant.

21. It\'s a thankless job, but I\'ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

23. Do I look like a people person?

24. This isn\'t an office. It\'s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

25. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

27. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

28. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed

30. I\'m trying to imagine you with a personality.

31. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

32. Can I trade this job for what\'s behind door #1?

33. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

34. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

35 Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

36. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

37. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

38. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

39. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

Honeybunnie

  • Posts: 714
Take Heart
« Reply #41 on: May 12, 2005, 08:27:12 PM »
One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says \"Wow, that is one ugly baby.\" The woman was deeply hurt. She continued to get on to the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asked her, \"What\'s wrong? You look mad.\" She replied, \"I am. That bus driver just insulted me.\" \"You shouldn\'t take that from him,\" the man replied. \"He\'s a public worker and should give you respect. If I were you I would take his badge number and report him.\" \"You\'re right sir, I think I will report him.\" The elderly man says, \"You go on up there and get his badge number. I\'ll hold your monkey for you.\" ...

Honeybunnie

  • Posts: 714
2 Old Ladies
« Reply #42 on: May 17, 2005, 07:33:34 PM »
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What\'s that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn\'t get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn\'t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

Honeybunnie

  • Posts: 714
A NAIJA LOVE LETTER
« Reply #43 on: May 21, 2005, 03:13:11 AM »
Copy of a Nigerian Love Letter.

*************************************************************

Boy\'s letter in blue

** ROLL DOWN TO YOU ** KISS BEFORE YOU READ

** \" P D N F\"--- please do not fold

Roll down to you sweetiepie Babe!

Time and ability plus double capacity has forced my pen to dance automatically on this benedicted sheet of paper. Why! this miraculous thing happened is because Mamie I love you spontaneously and as I stand horizontal to the wall and perpendicular to the ground I only think of you, since you are a fantastic and fabulous babe. Mamie please stop haranguing with the feelings in my heart because I love you more than a snake loves rat. To me each day starts by thinking of you and ends by dreaming of you. Each time I see you my metabolism suddenly stops and my peristalysis goes in reverse gear. My medular-oblandata also stops functioning.

Crazy crazy crazy you may say but this is true. If only you knew what is going on in my encephalon you would understand. That\'s why I need to see you face to face with you, soon. I think I have to pen-off hear because I still haven\'t finished studying electrolysis and polymerization. Catch you pa- later. Sleep tight and don\'t let those bed bugs ever bite you coz you are too sweet a thing for them.



Yourz Ever,
Sugar tapi tapi




KISS BEFORE YOU READ (the girls letter to her lover)

** \" P D N F\"--- please do not fold

My Love, My Sugar, i was exasperated with pride to have received one from you, the lungs in my body flapped with joy when i have been reading your letter. Anyway by now you have reached the realisations to why i am jotting this small letter to you, yes it is to see if you are keeping with the sands of time.

How is everything on that other side of yours? Well here everything is just half lemon half sugar to make it schweppes. How is your schooling? How are you pulling the wagons of life? I am just pulling the schooling thing like a donkey pulling a cart.

My honie, i am missing you very much right now, my heart is perambulating with every word that i write, if it was not for these oceans that decided to flow between us then i would get on the next bus to come and see you, but until then i know that i will not hesitate to put this blue blood on this paper and write to you. I remember that day lovie, that one sweet day as Maria Curry sanged it, you know that it is my favorites song honie, the one day that we were boarding the combies and you escorted me to my home, walking with you just brought sweet dreams to me for the rest of my life honie.

If words of love could ride a bicycle I would be competing against Diego Maradona. Anyways, i will not stop you from reading the books that give you life and education so I will stop here for today.

Please always writing to me because I am missing you like sugar misses tea. You can see my foto below

My dedications to you are :


Maria Curry - One Sweet Day.

Boys to Main - And of the Rod

Keep well my mop of my heart, Yours in flesh and in blood, Ruise Sugar Baby

P.S. Sorry about my english, I did not learn anymore.

ozy

  • Posts: 108
Classic Nigerians-All Nigerian (non) Jokes Included!!!
« Reply #44 on: May 21, 2005, 08:13:19 AM »
wow! aint that so touching? :lol: